Happy Earth Day: 5 zero waste hacks that aren't worth it

Reposted with minor edits from my old website, which is now off the internet. I originally wrote this in 2020, but with the corporate hijacking of Earth Day back under the spotlight, it seems just as prescient. Also, I like some of the burns I made.

Started by a Senator in Wisconsin to protest ecological disasters in America (including a river in Ohio that literally caught fire), Earth Day now celebrated around the globe with sustainability panels, tree planting initiatives and dubious greenwashing bonanzas by some of the most polluting companies on the Earth.

And so, to honor that conflict between the intention and the execution, I'm going to have a little poke at a movement I admire, am always working towards, and love learning more about, but which sometimes gives advice that borders on parody: Zero Waste.

Now there's nothing wrong and everything right with wanting to reduce your trash stream - I am 100% behind less plastic packaging, more consideration about what you purchase, and generally finding ways to have a smaller impact on the world.

But like many movements, once it's been co-opted by the need to commercialize it, you end up getting a lot of very iffy advice on living a "Zero Waste Lifestyle." And oh lord, is there a Zero Waste Lifestyle look - are you even Zero Waste if you're not in a brightly lit minimalist white space, surrounded by plant babies and various bamboo knickknacks? I DON'T THINK SO.

The urge to buy things to then make this Zero Waste Lifestyle look happen is strong AF... Which is an extra dose of irony considering the best way to go Zero Waste is to take a somersault back from buying things.

After days of looking up zero waste life hacks and swaps, I keep on seeing things that ought to give everyone pause - here are the worst offenders.

And to keep this useful, what you should do instead.

MASON JARS

Ah the good ol' instagrammable Mason Jar. Zero Wasters and environmentalists of all types will recommend you get these, use them for everything, bring them around town even to tote everything from "coffee to trash." What.

First of all, I might be a bit of a clumsy goof, but it seems ridiculous to me to carry around something that is bulky and breakable.

Second of all, good lord, where do all these mason jars come from? I know pickling was a big thing for a while, but I can't believe that people were doing it so much (and then decided never to do it again) that they'd have a bunch of leftover mason jars lying around, ready for you to store bulk rice or prop flowers in.

Third of all, and a note to restaurants who also do this thing, they are terrible to use as cups. The whole point of that rim is to have ridges to screw a canning lid onto, and those ridges catch liquid that then drips and makes a mess.

Mason jars are all aesthetic, and the aesthetic is dumb.

INSTEAD: If your really want that glass bottle look, keep the ones from what you're already using - pasta sauces, coconut butters, mustard and jam jars. Scrub the label off with baking soda and oil. Use your regular cups as cups.

BEESWAX WRAPS

I came across these in a REI one time and thought, wow, if I ever saw a product that represented people who tell other people they don't own TVs, this would be it.

It's an alternative to plastic wrap that has none of its convenience, doesn't work quite as well, is kind of gross to touch, loses its efficacy anyway after about a year, and is expensive as hell. And I am baffled every time I see it on a list of Zero Waste swaps.

INSTEAD: I've been racking my brain for instances where I would choose to not use plastic wrap but require something that's almost plastic wrap.

What happened to putting a properly sized plate over your bowl of leftovers, or transferring it all into into one of those "not Mason Jars" you have lying around? What happened to finishing one entire fruit? Onion halves and lemons, which yes - you can use only half of - can be kept in a low bowl with a bit of water.

You want to wrap food to take it around with you? I don't live a lifestyle where I need a wrapped sandwich at any point in time, but I'd assume that you didn't put that wrap in your pocket. Ostensibly what bag you were carrying that sandwich in can fit a box.

The only thing I can think of this being semi useful for is transferring a casserole dish to a potluck, but... how often does that happen in your life, is a beeswax wrap really big enough anyway, and can't you make something that can be put into something else? Casserole is just anything stew baked into a pan.

BAMBOO TOOTHBRUSHES

Okay, bamboo toothbrushes are in fact more eco-friendly than their plastic alternatives, but there's a whole bunch of caveats that aren't immediately obvious. I don't have numbers for this, but anecdotal evidence points to most people not actually knowing how to make these eco-friendly items eco-friendly.

So consider this less of an INSTEAD and more of a CAUTION:

• Do you have a composting program in your community? Because throwing them in regular trash will deposit them into a landfill, where they'll be too compacted into an anaerobic cube to not biodegrade anyway.
• Are the bristles made from nylon? If so, they need to be plucked out before you throw them into the compost. Nylon is a plastic. Current biodegradable alternatives are pig hair (not vegan, harder to keep clean) and corn-based plastic (not recommended by dentists).
• Is the handle painted? Make sure you're buying one that isn't. Not only does it not biodegrade as well, it releases those chemicals into whatever pit you're toothbrush ends up in.
• Is it from a reputable source? Sad to say, lots of manufacturers have jumped aboard the bamboo brush trend, and new “green” brands are often just tweaking something they sourced from China using Alibaba. Nothing against Alibaba or stuff made in China, but there are a lot of iffy suppliers and many of these brands aren’t doing due diligence on them. Your toothbrush may not be as sustainable as their marketing says.

If you already have a bunch of toothbrushes in your house anyway, make sure to burn through those first. Collect what you've used (don't throw it into your regular trash!) and send it to a plastic toothbrush recycling program. Otherwise, where did you think they would go once they’ve left your house?

PRODUCE BAGS

Yes, bring your own bags to the grocery store or market.

NO, you really don't need any specifically made mesh produce bags to be those bags you bring.

INSTEAD: I refuse to believe that we aren't all drowning in gift totes, plastic grocery bags from a less enlightened era (that hopefully you didn't throw out just to make the plastic from your plastic-free existence someone else's problem), or even old clothes that can be repurposed into a bag to put food in.

Just make sure it's light enough to not overprice anything that would be weighed, and bring hair ties (another thing I don't believe we all aren't drowning in) if they need to be secured.

THE ECO CUTLERY KIT

I’ve seen these all over multiple Zero Waste listicles and Zero Waste shops, and yes - bringing your own cutlery is definitely a great way to make sure you don't use any single use plastics while eating lunch around town.

But, similar to the produce bags, I want to ask you to just pause a moment before you purchase any of these because...

What were you using to pick up food before you decided on a Zero Waste Lifestyle? Chances are those knives, forks, spoons and chopsticks will last you decades before you ever needed to replace them with an inferior (but maybe more instagrammable) product. And yes, the bamboo alternatives to a knife and fork specifically kind of suck.

INSTEAD: Please, please, look inside your regular utensil drawer first! Pick out the smallest ones you have and deposit them in a drawstring pouch or wrap them in a cloth napkin to take with you. There will not be a very noticeable weight difference, I promise.

The only thing in these kits that you might not already have is a reusable straw, which you can purchase on its own. I personally would rather just not use a straw than struggle with one of these, but I don’t have mobility issues or a bubble tea habit.

Also though, reusable straws have replaced tote bags as the defacto random eco gift that people then never use (because who needs more than one?), so I would put a call out to neighborhood free swaps or check second-hand stores to see if you can grab a brand new one for close to free.

IN CONCLUSION

I applaud everyone's enthusiasm in becoming more eco-friendly and hope that, and that we are all making more sustainable changes in our lives (other than not commute to work because you're locked down in the house in quarantine).

Just always remember, the first two Rs are to actually REDUCE AND REUSE.

Chasing the aesthetic of a Zero Waste lifestyle is tempting, but ultimately it's about as green as Eco-Shaped Bottled Water.

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